LET US PISS OR BE PISSED UPON

Let’s piss on New York, everyone.

When I lived briefly in New York I faced a problem that was typical of such a place where in the brief stretches of land without a Starbucks present, bathrooms were impossible to find. Inevitably, when I asked someone if I could use the bathroom, they did not have one. I asked them where they went, and they would also leave their jobs and go to the nearest Starbucks. There is virtually no place in Manhattan to go the bathroom that is not specifically at Starbucks, or locked behind an artful schmooze at the door of a stranger’s apartment.

When I worked at Chipotle in New York, and homeless people asked for the bathroom, I was ordered to turn them away, for our hollowed sanctum of rest was only available to the various lord and barons who walked in for food. I was also ordered to be suspicious of scraggly people who looked homeless on the chance that they might be. I am not a perfect person, but I am glad to say I denied both these orders. Once, a manager was denying a homeless person usage of a bathroom, and I showed him the bathroom code with my fingers right over the manager’s shoulder to give him the in. Why deny people the bathroom? That’s a very modern cruelty. NYC smells like piss and frankly it deserves to.

I saw the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade live in New York, the ritziest city in the world, and as I progressed through the line I watched all the businesses on the side for bathroom possibilities and was left with no quarter. I had to pee so desperately. Eventually I came up on a CVS, but there were no public bathrooms there either, although the cashier gave me pity and let me use the secret employee bathroom. After that, the floodgates were open, and people knew that the jig was up and there must’ve been a bathroom there, so this private employee bathroom was infested for the rest of the night with increasingly pitiable applicants. Parents and kids and all that stuff.

But why keep these bathrooms in the realm of secrecy? If everyone had a bathroom you wouldn’t have to worry about the traffic of the clientele tapering into your restaurant without buying anything. Break the trend or you are as responsible as anyone. If someone, especially a homeless, is surrounded by a place with no civilized place to shit, they will shit in the streets. Anybody who absolutely lacks bathroom access must nonetheless expel their waste. This is not negotiable with social or economic currency. And I think if you don’t let Joe Streets use your bathroom, regardless of the social custom, you have completely removed all my sympathy for you if someone decides they are going to shit on your goddamn table.

Once I heard about a woman, brought her kid inside of an IHOP that had to shit. The lady said, sorry, nobody gets to use the bathroom right now. She told her child to piss on the floor, and he did. And I can’t help thinking, this child is a hero.

From now on, “you can’t use our functional bathroom” should always, always mean “take your pants off and pee all over our place of business while running around. Get it everywhere. Run in the back, get it on all the broccoli, keep on leaving surprises we won’t find for a month.” If there is a place of business, and they don’t let someone, one person, use their bathroom without a legitimate reason, I believe that every moral and social code preventing you from being a storehouse for all of the world’s collective piss and shit dissolves instantly. The high ground is gone. Take out your penis, for God and Country.

I say there should be a TikToker somewhere, maybe a few, whose whole shtick is that they ask any business in New York to use their evidently existent bathroom, and if they are left undirected to one nearby, simply met with a curt “no”, they should go on a pissing rampage across the whole surface area of the store. Nobody can stop a man or woman while they are actively peeing, as force shifting the flow of liquid becomes a strong deterrent, or a known avenue to exacerbate the problem.

Then what? A few people will be tossed in prison, and feel like rebels and heroes like teens do. And then even more impressionable teens will get in on it. The ones more impressionable than them. It will be the hot new thing, just to go up to a business, ask them a simple question, and then pissing all over the floor in the name of truth and Justice. Soon, just having your phone out will be enough of a deterrent to let you into their hallowed halls.

NEVER STOP PISSING ON NEW YORK. THEY WILL SUE YOU, THEY WILL SUE ME, BUT THEY CAN’T STOP ALL OF US. LET THEM ALL KNOW THAT THEY HAVE TWO CHOICES- LET US PISS OR BE PISSED UPON.

GET YOUR DICKS OUT, PULL THOSE MAXI PADS OUT OF THE WAY, AS WE WILL NO LONGER BE CHAINED BY THIS INJUSTICE. LET US SHOW EVERY CITY IN THE WORLD HOW MUCH POWER WE HAVE.

And before the world responds to say “please, it’s just a bunch of undervalued teens who work at mom and pop stores who has to clean these messes, let’s not be cruel to them”. BULLSHIT. Those teens knew what they were doing when they decided to become tools of an unjust system that stymies bathroom access against. If you at any level aid and abet authoritarianism, then you must face the consequences. Following the rules of an authority figure because you are trying to keep your job is equally as bad . Sometimes you have to actively act against your best interest or you are a bad person. Teens who complacently enforce the “no bathrooms without paying” policy are just as guilty of . Sadly, for them, they either need to disobey their bosses and risk getting fired, or they are otherwise bad people and deserve to have to clean up an entire restaurant full of piss. There is no middle ground in this battle.

Another person might say “won’t exposing my penis while I am running into the back room of a Chipotle to piss on everything in their walk-in fridge count as indecent exposure and get me placed on a sex offender registry for the rest of my life?” I would like to emphasize first our movement’s edict of NECESSARY SACRIFICES. Yes, this will happen to many of us in our grand efforts to change society for the better. However, two things come to mind that may help avoid this fate. Firstly, while unzipping, yell “TEENS! CLOSE YOUR EYES! THIS WAS NOT MEANT FOR YOU!” And this should probably count at least a little bit into softening the sentence or your definitely-a-crime.

Secondly, you can take out the middleman. Piss in a container beforehand, and if they say no bathroom, immediately open the thermos of your hot piss and empty its contents onto the cashier, or, if possible, leap the barricade and start splashing it on all the food and surfaces with the delicacy of Jackson Pollock. This removes the middleman of showing your penis, and I don’t know what crime it is now, but it is not indecent exposure.

There’s also the matter that for smaller businesses, pissing all over their everything even one time will effectively execute them. They barely exist at all, and immediately destroying all their technology, resources, and morale will end them. Do not feel bad, for denying bathrooms is a crime worthy of destruction, and even while we love these sandwich restaurants run by an adorable Polish couple and their children that has been in business for 165 years, sadly all crimes are equal to the tidal wave of piss that we seek to create. All must face the same ultimatum: LET US PISS OR BE PISSED UPON. These people will likely defend their livelihoods much more fiercely, and may even kill people who try and piss all over all their business. If our movement takes off, they will very likely post intimidating pictures of themselves on social media saying things like I HOPE SOMEONE TRIES TO GO TO MY CRAB SHACK AND PISS ALL OVER EVERYTHING, I WILL FUCK THEM UP ALL OVER. Show them that we are not afraid to die. We will craft a new catchphrase just for that: “Even when my soul leaves my corpse, my body is still pissing”. It probably will still be pissing. It takes muscles to hold it in after you start, so I assume dying halfway through would not interfere with this most sacred act. No matter how many people they kill, always come back for more. Be more stubborn. Bring more people. Piss and piss and piss until they all concede and are forced to let you into the employee bathroom.

I want to make sure that we understand that there are sacrifices to be made. Some of those sacrifices are, yes, that many people on this noble crusade will be ruined and made into sex offenders. Some will be straight up killed. We need to accept this before we begin so we are not surprised when it happens.

Let us show all these businesses that when we don’t immediately piss all over all of their food and equipment, we are offering them a privilege- a privilege that, like an angry parent, we can take away at our leisure and by our right. The city of New York has no power. America has no power. And the patron saints of all morality will side with us.

Let’s make a change, Children of Piss. Let us show New York the tidal wave of piss that will no longer be restrained by the unfair criteria of the bourgeoisie. Let them know that we offer them two choices- LET US PISS OR BE PISSED UPON!