SHITTIBANK

SHITTIBANK

Designed for three players, but can be expanded to as many players as want to play. The players can be any level. Runs as a one-shot module for D&D 5e.

Key-

“Quotes are recommended to be spoken directly at players.”

*Statements in asterisks are intended for the DM’s eyes only*

Empty statements are knowledge about the functionality of the game that seems best to be dispersed as the DM wishes.

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Prop list-

Calling Card- Paper that reads “Taking everything that glitters. You’ve been warned. Eight days $$$. Signed, XXXXXX “Players decide the name, leave it blank”

Red Herrings- Three Pieces of Paper That Say “Not In On It”

Little paper badge that just says “Canonically had sex”

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“A city looms like pillars of shadow punctuated with gold and silver stars. Cars tremble through long, crumpled roads, screeching like alleycats in the other cars’ presence. We veer away from the clogged and smoky freeway, into a twisting alley that zigs through the dark, past dumpsters and windows, through clotheslines and wood rot, until we end up at the base of of a building. It is covered in flaky blue paint, except for the white-painted beams and gutters which almost make it look like a barn. But plastered above the front entrance, above a door with a bell that doesn’t ring, is the word “Shittibank” engraved into a wooden plaque. We go higher, and higher, into a tenement building behind it, where we can see the sparkling eyes of three figures watching the bank with an ominous hunger. Moments ago, they left a note on the front steps of the bank- *hand over the calling card after it has been tastefully folded into origami* Who are your characters and what do you want the name of this group of thieves to be?”

*The players introduce themselves and name the group, assuming that the group is them. There may be light role-playing, but when Alvin Shitti comes back inside, it will turn out to have been their actual characters within the bank doing the role-playing in some now humorously contrived context, and not the thieves on the tenement building.*

“From a distance, the figures watch as a balding man opens the door to leave for the evening. He turns the sign to closed and bumps the origami with his toes, flashing his light on it. He scratches his head and picks it up, inspects it. His fat fingers unfold the crane, and then his whole gelatinous body begins to tremble. He waves his flashlight around, lights up the top of the tenement building- but the mysterious figures are now all gone. We zoom in on his sweaty face, his thin mustache and portly chin, the worry lines cascading down his face. He loosens his tie and stumbles back into the building.

And there you three are, a bank clerk, an accountant, and a single security guard. You’ve been working this job for you don’t even know how long, trying to keep this bank together under Alvin Shitti’s questionable stewardship. First, his mother comes and bullies him out of a sizable chunk of change for her boyfriend’s bail. That took some clever accounting to cover up, and there’s still a bit missing. Then he showed up in his underwear when he was having his nervous breakdown, which scared away some of your clientele. You clientele is mostly grandmas confused about how technology works, which you don’t have because you can’t afford any. Another day, he busted the security glass when he locked himself out. Security glass doesn’t grow on trees. And now, finally cornered, Alvin Shitti begins mumbling to you, and to himself, ‘It’s terrible! It’s terrible! They’re going to take what little we have left!’”

“You look around, confused, distressed, and always a little filthy. Your job is not to be the *Player Chosen Name For Thieves*. Your job is that you work at a bank, you’re trying to scrape on by, and a group of wild criminals have suddenly decided to plunder all of your remaining job security. You have to figure out how to stop it in eight days, or you’re toast.”

This is where the players decide who should be the clerk, who should be the accountant, and who should be the security guard. *If there are more than three players, simply put in more bank jobs and give them all a little bonus* It’s mostly for flavor and to add interaction and variety in between text blocks, but it’s also important that they define their identity in relation to this bank. The accountant is the only one who can actually open the safe and has Advantage on Intelligence checks. The security guard gets a taser (https://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/Taser_(5e_Equipment) and the receptionist gets +4 to Charisma.

“You cannot remove money from the bank vault for more than a couple minutes- it has to stay in there for a variety of official reasons that involve the necessity of the bank to house that money to continue functioning. Take the money to your apartment, slip it in a bag of holding, and the carefully honed functionality of the bank collapses without the ability to meaningfully interact with its funds. In addition, the DM will roll a d6 every day, and if I get beneath a four, a surprise inspector comes in to see if the bank is up to code. He will trash any improvements or flaws that are not up to an honest approximation of what the players think OSHA would allow. If there is a dispute, settle it by checking it out in actual OSHA documents. He can come as many times as the DM rolls three or less.”

*Give everyone a piece of paper that says “You Aren’t In On It”. Tell them beforehand not to show or tell anyone else what was on the paper, and that you will treat them equally regardless of what it says. Everybody inevitably gets the same message and nobody is in on it.*

“The way that this game will work is that through all of these eight days, you will each have one action you can take per day to try and prepare for the heist. You can choose any activity that takes up to two hours. The rest of the day you must spend doing your actual jobs, since if you don’t show up for one day, the bank collapses entirely.”

“Among the other constants in this world, is this one: you are broke. You have 20d$10 dollars of disposable income that you can use to stop this heist and hopefully keep your job. You also have money set aside for rent for a shitty studio with a twin bed that doesn’t even have a couch. Rent is on Day 3. If you decide not to pay rent, you gain the HOMELESS status effect, but will have three hundred extra dollars. The homeless status effect means that you will have disadvantage on all your rolls because of the detrimental physical effects of living like a hobo. You will also have to roll for your hobo name on the hobo table, which will give you one (usually bad) effect.”

https://randomwordgenerator.com

Hobo Table

1- Seaweed Bob (Always Smell Like Seaweed)

2- Tapioca Bob (Always Have Unwashed Tapioca On Your Face)

3- Wilderness Bob (Advantage on Survival and Animal Handling Checks)

4- Crack Whore Bob (Additional Disadvantage Against Crack and During Charisma Checks. You Roll A DC 10 Check Each Day Not To Have A Serious Heart Attack. Afterwards, Become Hospital Bob)

5- Tumbleweed Bob (Only Allowed To Dress Like A Cowboy)

6- Erection Pills Bob (You Put Dirt Into Capsules For Money and Sell Them as Erection Pills. Roll 1d4x$10 each day for money made)

7- Opposite Bob (Character is the Opposite Alignment- Other Character Aspects Are Also Opposite)

8- Thoughtful Bob (+2 to Wisdom Checks)

9- Mayonnaise Bob (Always Lathered in Mayonnaise for Some Reason)

10- Bob Dylan Bob (Realize You Are Gifted at Guitar)

11- Old Diaper Bob (Become Incontinent)

12- Bean Smelling Bob (Obsessively Smells Any Beans Nearby, Additional Disadvantage Against Saving Throws Regarding Temptation From Beans)

13- Hospital Bob (Fully Get Run Over By A Car and Remain In the Hospital For Two Nights)

14- Ouch Bob (Hit Your Head Against A Low Doorway, Roll 1d4 Damage)

15- Murder Bob (Must Roll A DC 10 Wisdom Save At the Beginning of Every Conversation In Order To Not Attack the Closest Person In A Murderous Frenzy)

16- Crying Bob (Always Sobbing)

17- Allergies Bob (Become Allergic to One Thing DM chooses)

18- Age Regression Bob (The Streets Have Made You Act With the Mind of a Child)

19-Doing Okay For Yourself Bob (Stat Penalties Halved)

20- Won A Million Dollars From A Scratch Off Ticket Bob (Get A Million Dollars)

“You can also give up your meal on a day to get thirty dollars. You would have to roll a d6, which would land on one stat you would roll with disadvantage for the rest of the campaign due to the physical effects of not eating for a day. If you get the same stat twice, you will consistently fail every roll with that stat for the rest of the game.”

“You can use your money both in the Player’s Handbook ($1=1CP) or you can use your money to buy things on Amazon and ship it. The shipping time for your current real life location is as long as it will take to ship to you in the game. If you have to pay extra for shipping in real life, you have to in the game. You can buy PHB items instantly, since those are available at the corner store.”

“On the eighth day, the heist will happen, whether you’re ready or not, and the game will become a traditional D&D face-off. That’s seven preparation days, and one day of conflict.”

Show them the map of the bank and ask them if they have any questions. Let them decide how their work stations look.

“Alvin comes up to you all and you can see his clothes ruffled, his face red. Oh, it must be those fuckers at Bankville California! They’re trying to destroy us. It must have been them, all this time! They must have sent my mother after me, replaced the security glass with glass I could easily break with a brick, and given me wild drugs for when I was freaking out! I blame them for my failures and all my misery.”

“Bankville California is an extremely grand bank that’s across the street from you. It’s especially odd since in the world you live in, there’s no such thing as California. Every morning when you clock on, you are forced to watch the spectacle of BankVille’s elaborate 8 AM fountain show, and when you clock off, you watch the fireworks from their enormous bank glisten over their swimming pools. They don’t even know you exist, in their unstoppable grandeur, although you are directly across the street. You all went in once, and at the reception, they gave you your own new-customer buffet breakfast and a life companion clown, named ClownVille Rhode Island. Everything is so, so great there.”

*Unless the DM decides the clown should be a constant presence in the campaign after all (and it would be up to their grim discretion to decide how… or why) their clown has since died, unfortunately, and it is up to the players to decide what happened to them. Furthermore, the new-customer buffet breakfast is backstory- if they intend to get it again, they would need to pass a retina scan, fingerprint scan, and tongue scan to prove they have not before partaken in it. If they somehow pass this, and go in to try it again without disguise, they will be recognized on sight.*

“Everyone rolls an insight check to determine the plausibility that Bankville California is using its incredible resources to ruin Alvin’s life.” *They definitely are not.*

Afterwards, Alvin starts losing his mind. He lifts up a chair and, unless stopped, will throw it through the security glass, and unless stopped, will run naked to Bankville California, and, unless stopped, will start humping all their gorgeous topiaries. He ends up arrested and goes to prison, and ownership of Shittibank falls on them. *All of his actions are, in that case, nullified until he escapes prison and breaks into his own bank on Day Five.* Regardless of if they calm him down, everyone strategizes and makes their first purchases.

Describe the bank to them, and show them the map. There are three security cameras, and one of them is constantly fixed on Alvin due to his completely unfounded fear of being assassinated. Alvin’s office looks like Mr. Krab’s office, except that he has bookcases that are completely filled with old newspapers.

Then they go home, describe their dinner, and describe their apartment. Then the next day comes.

*NOTES: If, at any time, the characters go to the police, they will entertain what they hear from the characters only to suddenly lose interest when it turns out Bankville California is about to be prey to a much bigger and more sexy heist.*

*NOTES: If Alvin is not in prison, describe what he is doing every day to make sure that the players get a sense of his presence and character in the institution of the bank. It is up to the DM how active or passive Alvin should be against the decisions of the players, but for reference, Alvin is paranoid, makes poor decisions, is destitute, and is extremely unlucky, although he does possess baseline competence at managing the bank’s day-to-day bureaucracy.*

*THE DM SHOULD, TO THE BEST OF THEIR ABILITY, MAKE THEIR WORLD RESISTANT TO PLAYERS WHO ARE ATTEMPTING TO GET RICH ENOUGH TO BREAK THE GAME’S BALANCE. CERTAIN SYSTEMS AND CENTRAL TENSIONS FOR SHITTIBANK BREAK DOWN WHEN SIGNIFICANTLY MORE MONEY ENTERS THE PICTURE.*

DAY ONE

Roll for bank inspector.

Day one, everyone tells the DM their morning routines. Do they bus there? Take a car? Walk from nearby? Ride a horse? What do they do for breakfast? They end up at the bank somehow.

Event: An old lady is insistent that she has more money in the bank than you claim there is. Good enough rolls will determine she is lying.

Alvin: Doing some work inside of his office to calm down after yesterday.

The players do what they think they need to do, buy their Amazon stuff, and then return home.

DAY TWO

Roll for bank inspector

Event: If the players haven’t went to the police yet, Alvin does. Police come in to talk to everyone. They seem like they have plans and experience, but then there’s a cosmic shift as an elaborate fireworks show serves as the calling card of the Grimace Clowns, pretty much the biggest thieves ever. Cackling fireworks explode, and the last one says “Stealing Your Smiles in Six Days”. There’s already impromptu merch and t-shirts piled in little kiosks outside Bankville California. You think that the Grimace Clowns probably set them up themselves, and profit off of them.

Alvin: Developing an addiction to his placebo glaucoma medication.

DAY THREE

Roll for bank inspector

Event: The horniest player’s ideal sexual partner walks in. The DM’s knowledge is key to this, the description of the person coming in, who they glom onto, etc. They are immediately enthralled by whoever wants to date them, for some reason, and wants to go out with them in turn. If one of the players takes this person out, sacrifice one of their stats chosen with one d6 (since they can only afford enough food for one of them) AND their turn for the day to take this person out so that one could display to the table whether this individual’s devotion to having sex with imaginary women during board games with his friends is greater or lesser than his desire to not ditch his friends for mechanically detrimental reasons.

Alvin: Selling one of his organs to a nearby hot dog stand to make rent.

DAY FOUR

Roll for bank inspector

Event: A cavern opens up underneath the bank. The bank collapses a little, but it’s fine since it really doesn’t look more collapsed than normal. The room is full of bones. There are, in this room, a skeleton holding a FOLDING SHIP in its shirt pocket, a man hanging off of an IMMOVABLE ROD to hit something, and a man suffocating another man inside a BAG OF HOLDING. *If there are more than three players, add more skeletons doing something with your favorite magic items until the number matches the number of players*. Every player also gets, in addition, one traditional A-F roll on the magic table.

In addition, everyone gets paid a paycheck of fifty dollars.

Alvin: Has a wild breakdown in his office and becomes catatonic. He is only resuscitated when the paramedics come in and start kicking the shit out of him. Alvin is charged fifty dollars by the hospital.

DAY FIVE

Roll for bank inspector

Event: A man comes into the bank after hours while using a bent piece of metal as a gun. Literally any amount of prodding will reveal that this man is Alvin attempting to rob his own bank for the insurance money. An insight roll of ten will reveal that this is a very bad plan and makes no sense. He is literally on his own security cameras.

Alvin: Literally trying to rob himself.

DAY SIX

Roll for bank inspector

Event: One of the Grimace Clowns shows up to deposit money in Shittibank, since he was going to rob the other one so he is switching accounts to the bank across the street. Alvin is really into it, since this is a big customer, despite the cognitive dissonance a normal person would have. Call the police and everyone boos you, but it would work.

Alvin: Whatever the plan is from yesterday.

DAY SEVEN

Roll for bank inspector.

Event: Everyone is setting up to watch the heist across the street. A billionaire comes in and offers for them to sell Shittibank so he could demolish it and make more seating for his many exotic pumas. Alvin is against it, saying that this bank was in his family for six generations, and the only thing worse than having it is not having it. This bank wasn’t just owned by his family- it is his family. And he would never sell it. But it’s possible the party could convince him with a DC20 Persuasion check, ending the game with everyone having about two thousand dollars in their pocket. If nobody takes this deal, people are crowding the bank, pretending to be customers and setting up folding chairs, treating Shittibank like it’s just extra seating. Technically, it would mean the players lost. But losing is a state of mind.

DAY EIGHT

Roll for bank inspector.

Event: The heist happens. Roll the players who are actually playing the game as characters inside the game with the players’ names. Use full character sheets, but for efficiency, maybe roll it on a pre-generated website (https://fastcharacter.com). These character players of *Players decide the name* will be the same level as the player characters. They will henceforth be referred to as the “character players”.

Do new heist plan when playing the game another time with overlapping players, but this is the default one:

*One character player is digging underneath the safe. One of them is coming in through the front door to try and “convince” the front desk person to let them check out the safe, causing obvious interest and suspicion. A third is trying to go around and examine safety measures. Sussing this out should be more difficult on account of the crowd of people at the bank.*

If a player succeeds on a Perception check of fifteen, they will notice the buzzing from the people trying to get into the bottom of the safe

As soon as the players are correct in a suspicion that a person in their bank is one of the *Player name for thief group here*, and the players realize that the heist has begun, the game moves into initiative, it becomes deep night, the bad guys are revealed to be D&D versions of the players, and Bankville California is suddenly heisted. Five rugged men and five rugged grappling hooks swing them from a carefully planted news helicopter through the various glass windows of Bankville California. Then a car is flung inside the building out of nowhere, and then the helicopter itself crashes into Bankville. Everyone becomes so excited and enthralled.

Five turns into the initiative, if nobody has checked the safe, they will find a hole in it and all the money gone.

Six turns after initiative starts, a random police officer shows up that nobody recognizes and shoots one of the bad guys by surprise. He says “did you miss me?” And then when nobody recognizes him, says “oh, shit, I’m at the wrong bank!”

Police stat (Guard)

Medium humanoid (any race), any alignment

Armor Class 16 (Chain Shirt, Shield)

Hit Points 11 (2d8+2)

Speed 30 ft.

STR

13 (+1)  DEX

12 (+1)  CON

12 (+1) INT

10 (+0)  WIS

11 (+0)  CHA

10 (+0)

Skills Perception +2

Senses passive Perception 12

Languages Any One Language (Usually Common)

Challenge 1/8 (25 XP)

Actions

Spear. Melee Weapon Attack: +3 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: (1d8 + 1) piercing damage. two handed

Spear. Melee Weapon Attack: +3 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: (1d6 + 1) piercing damage.

Spear. Ranged Weapon Attack: +3 to hit, reach 20/60 ft., one target. Hit: (1d6 + 1) piercing damage.

Bankville Events *To happen first in the initiative order at the indicated times*

-On the beginning of the second turn: “A handsome Tom Cruise type is shooting up a bunch of security guards in a hallway. It’s so cool, and it all happens in one take.”

-On the beginning of the third turn: “Two sweaty, sexy men are holding onto each other as they are surrounded by security with guns, and then they look into each other’s eyes and just start fucking. The guards hesitate for a moment, and then one of them unzips their pants.”

-On the beginning of the fourth turn: “A police officer is running across the roof of Bankville California, shooting his gun at a fleeing Clown. The clown shoots back with an SMG as he’s sprinting and the police officer is riddled with bullets. The police officer mouths out the words “this is fuckin awesome” and then falls off of BankVille’s roof into one of their glorious swimming pools, where his immolated body explodes into gore.”

-Every time after that, a something flies off of the banks and hits a randomly selected player character or character player for 2d6 damage.

-On the seventh turn, Alvin Shitti appears and starts shooting the bad guys with a fuckin gun on his own rolled initiative.

Alvin Shitti

Medium humanoid (human), neutral good

Armor Class 16 (chain mail)

Hit Points 27 (5d8 + 5)

Speed 30 ft.

STR

13 (+1)

DEX

10 (+0)

CON

12 (+1)

INT

10 (+0)

WIS

11 (+0)

CHA

10 (+0)

Saving Throws Str +3, Con +3

Skills Perception +2

Senses passive Perception 12

Languages Common

Challenge 1 (200 XP)

Actions

Multiattack. Sildar makes two melee attacks.

Longsword. Melee Weapon Attack: +3 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 5 (1d8 + 1) slashing damage.

Pistol. Ranged Weapon Attack: +2 to hit, range 100/400 ft., one target. Hit: 5 (1d10) piercing damage.

Reactions

Parry. When an attacker hits Alvin with a melee attack and Sildar can see the attacker, he can roll 1d6 and add the number rolled to his AC against the triggering attack, provided that he’s wielding a melee weapon.

If the player characters can deter the character players, they have beaten Shittibank.

“At the end of the fight, just as the sun is rising, someone from Bankville California screams “No! You can’t put one bag of holding inside of another!“ and suddenly the whole area is awash with bright light and shockwaves. You can just barely see the silhouette of Bankville California crumble and implode as it, and everyone inside of it, is ripped into the Astral Plane. The light fades, the tear in reality dissipates, and we see the tattered foundation of what was once a great bank. Not even the pool water was left behind. Bankville California is no more and we all learned a valuable lesson about magic items.”

“Shitti walks outside to the stunned, dejected folk in lawn chairs and says ‘Hey! We’re a bank over here! Start your new account with us!’”

People shrug, and walk into the store dejectedly. Somebody takes one of the bagels, and chews on its hard carapace absent-mindedly. Life goes on.

THE END